Category Archives: Family/ Parenting

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Parenthood – The Best and Worst of Times…

This post was inspired by responding to Jeff Goins’ article on new parenthood. I decided to expand on my comment on his site and create my own little article…

Kids can definitely drive you crazy. Where you may have once lived a relatively planned and well-organised life – featuring social events, regular sleep and quiet interludes, you can guarantee that kids will cause quite a disruption to any semblance of ‘normal’ that you experienced before their arrival. A friend of mine used to speak in terms of BC and AC – before and after children.

The best way to describe the parenting process from my perspective would be “It was the best of times, it was the worst of times…” (to pinch a quote from Dickens). Raising three boys has been, and still is, the challenge of my life.

The joys and trials of raising children fluctuate inconsistently from week to week. There are so many variables that you can’t control, from crying to stubborn personalities to illnesses or allergies. It takes time to get used to these things, along with a measure of emotional energy.

To survive the wildly random nature of parenting I’m convinced requires two things: acceptance and perseverance. Acceptance of the fact that it WILL be difficult at times and that you won’t be an instant pro, despite all your preconceived notions. Perseverance to keep going even at your lowest moment when you feel like a complete and utter failure as a parent.

It’s a humbling process. Soon after the birth of your first child there’s usually a rude awakening that brings every ounce of hidden selfishness to the surface which reveals a side of you that you didn’t think existed. As time goes on, this unwelcome, other side of you is likely to emerge more often. (This can be pretty scary, when you used to view yourself as a laid back, reasonable, well-adjusted person.)

Learning to tame your raw, inner beast that wants to respond in anger or despair is not so simple as it seems. Sleeplessness and monotony play a large part in the battle. Face it – most people are not able to operate in the same way after less than five hours sleep, followed by eight hours or more in the company of unreasonable small beings. (Add in a headache, the need to stay in for the washing machine repair guy, and rain pouring down outside – and the situation intensifies.)

Just when I thought I’d got this parenting thing sussed, feeling quite pleased with the lovely three and five year old boys I’d produced (after much effort and training and wisdom on my part – or so I thought!) – things were thrown off balance when a third child was thrown into the mix. That’s when I started to really learn that I cannot do this long-term child rearing project on my own. That I need the guidance of others and the grace of God. Oh the wonder of grace – to be not so harsh on yourself and admit you need God’s help.

It’s a major learning curve, one that I’ve stumbled over many a time. Parenthood is certainly not for the faint-hearted.

But there is joy. And laughter. And awe and amazement at these little beings that resemble your likeness and make your life so much richer. And as you try to bring them up right and influence them for good, you realize that they are changing you – your priorities, your perspective, your character, your future. These are the incredible aspects of that crazy thing called ‘parenthood’. And I wouldn’t miss it for the world.

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My Dad – An English Gentleman (1937-2012)

On this first Father’s Day without my Dad (and I could never have imagined that I would be writing those words before I turned 40) I choose to spend some time remembering his wonderful nature and attributes. From the twinkle in his eyes, to his charming welcome, my Dad was a joy to be around. He loved and accepted people, no matter their status or background, always willing to engage friends and strangers in rapt conversation. He just knew how to put people at ease and make them feel at home.

And my Dad loved me. Unconditionally – from my earliest days, through my turbulent teens and into adulthood. Like a rock, he was dependable and consistent, always willing to listen, to lend a hand and give of himself. Although he wasn’t perfect – like everyone he had some foibles and weaknesses – he mirrored God’s unchanging love to me, always choosing to be thankful and joyful, no matter how dire the situation.  My Dad was a gem – a true gentleman, an exemplary father and a special Grandpa to my sons.

Today I miss his warm embrace, I miss his cheerful voice, but I will remember the many good days I was blessed to have him in my life, to have him as my Dad.

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As a young man who captured my mum’s heart.

Joyous day for both of us

Cheerful Dad

P.S In case you’re wondering… I share my dad’s enthusiasm for Germany, gadgets & new technology, but probably have more genes passed down from my mum!)

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Pick and Mix Parenting: In Pursuit of an Individual Approach (Day 4/ 15 Habits Series:Practice)

When our first child entered the world several (uh, now 13!) years ago, I soon became aware that there were essentially two camps when it came to parenting infants and pre-schoolers. The two styles were easy to identify, as parents held firmly to a particular set of values and practices that stood in stark contrast to those of the other group.

Each group deplored the practices of the other and heartily believed that they were right. It was at times hard to find a circle of friends, which welcomed parents from both camps. (This was in a metropolitan area just outside New York City.)

Personally, I get on well with a wide range of people and really didn’t want to have to choose between the two. I embraced some of the values from both parenting styles, but was unwilling to go the whole nine yards and fully endorse one particular philosophy.

I was also reluctant to conform to what the latest bestseller on parenting had to say – preferring to model those parents whom I could actually observe in action, and see them relating to their children in a variety of situations.

On the one hand I observed those of the “Attachment Parenting”  camp (Dr Sears et al) – easily recognized by their use of slings and carriers, unlimited bed-sharing and unrestricted access to breastfeeding for as long as the child wishes. (I did once meet a woman who admitted her daughter was five before she was weaned. Really, that was too much information.)

In the area of discipline these people proposed gentle guidance and steered clear of anything that might be deemed authoritarian. They were also anti vaccinations at any age, favouring natural cures over medical intervention, and often raved about organic and eco-friendly products.

On the other end of the spectrum one could often find the highly structured and rigid rules laid down by Gina Ford’s Contented Little Baby Book in 1999 (An expert who’s never had a child of her own.) Although less rigid than earlier gurus (i.e. Nobody today would advocate strict limits on cuddling), many elements remained the same.

Such as not having the baby in your bedroom, ever; pretty tight scheduling of breast or bottle-feeding, along with early introduction to solids. The folks in this camp also stood for defined parental leadership and strict discipline in the area of child rearing, and would accept every drug or vaccine on offer at the earliest opportunity.

As far as I could tell, both styles obviously had their flaws, though in my early days as a mother I felt pressured to side with one of these polarized views. It was unsettling, and somewhat disturbing; I just wanted to be free to be friends with all kinds of parents and let others feel free to do their own thing.

Trouble is, parents often tend to pressurize others with their philosophy (“So, what do you think of the family bed?”- became an uncomfortable topic of discussion over wine at newfound friends’ one evening. Awkward)

Thus over time I began to wonder about the prospect of parents establishing their own, individually crafted style of parenting. One that includes a measure of common sense, practicality, nurture and compassion, mixed in with a whole lot of love; one that seeks the best for one’s children, yet not at the expense of letting them rule the household and dominate your every moment.

I would now encourage parents to draw on the expertise of many and consider opinions from a wide variety of sources – from mother-in-law to community nurse, or friends down the street – while adapting what they’ve learnt in the best interests of their children and their unique family unit.

I also support the right to try things out and make mistakes. That’s right – we all learn from our mistakes. At the end of the day I’d just like to see more balance, an attempt to steer away from any extremes.

Ultimately your child is not a carbon copy of anyone else’s. In an age where there are so many variables, like allergies and ADHD, it seems appropriate in some areas to try a bit of pick ‘n’ mix in the realm of parenting philosophies and admit that sometimes one size doesn’t fit all.

Just this year in the news there have been reports about baby experts’ books leaving mothers feeling ‘confused and inadequate’[1]; something which I only wished I had learned earlier on. It would have relieved some of the pressure.